Turning Point?

About two weeks ago, I started realizing I am truly happy again.  As I said that to myself a few weeks ago, I immediately started questioning it!  What all of the sudden, almost like a light switch, can make you realize you are happy?  Then I started thinking, "well, I guess it's a temporary happiness."  But as of today, two weeks after that initial feeling, I know it's here to stay.

After going through sometime like I went though, you always wonder what others think about how you are coping.  I always heard people deal with situations in different ways, and progress through hurt at different times.  I know I have cycled a great deal in dealing with my grief.  Some days I would be as happy as I ever had been, only to just have a whirlwind of emotions when I would try to sleep.

I still miss my friend more than anything, and there is never more than a few hours that go by that I don't think about her.

Last year, I started to streamline my life.  I switched to a different position at the real estate office, sold a few of my properties and started turning down more overtime at work.  It seems now, I've replaced the time I spent in those areas, with other things I thought would be fun, but just turn out to be a lot of work too.  I think it's time to really sit down again and do a "life check" to make sure I'm heading in the direction that I want to be.  I need to find the things that really make me happy, and find which things are just so-so and eliminate them.

Two things that I truly like are 1) Nature and 2) Accomplishments.  I love being outdoors and looking at scenery.  I remember the first time I flew into Colorado, left the airport in my rental car and immediately saw the mountains up the road!  Man that was beautiful!  It was almost like I was having an out of the body experience!!  The other thing I like doing is pushing myself for new accomplishments in things that I like!  I have friends that try to get me to go to Crossfit because of the competitive nature.  That sounds ok, but I don't like competing in the things they do.  I don't know, hard to explain this one...I need to work on this one in my mind too.

That's enough for today...it has been awhile since I last posted.  Tonight will be my 5th straight night to work, and my last one...ready to get it over with!  I'm heading to the Hike & Bike trail in Beaumont right now to get a little run in.

The home.

It has been a few months since my last post.  I've had so much building up in my head, so it's time to do another post!  I'm not sure where to begin.  There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about why I'm where I'm at....I still miss her a lot.  I still have her dog, Goose.  So much of her personality comes though in him!  I really like having him around and try to give him the best life a dog can have!

I've been working and saving so I can build a new house at my lot in Lumberton.  I've hit a small dead end for now.  I really need to sell my current house so I can use the equity towards a new one.  I still could keep my current house and rent it, but then I would have to finance a good chunk of the new one.  That would put me back living paycheck to paycheck and that is something I never want to do again.  The problem with selling my current home is the market.  There are so many homes similar to mine that have sat for months, or they have taken quite a bit lower than what it is worth.  So, my other option is taking a little money from savings and adding on a new master bedroom and master bath with a new garage on to my current home.  That would turn it into a 3/2/2 and the garage apartment instead of just a 2/1 with a 1/1/2 garage apartment.  Tough choices, but I'll get it figured out.  I think I would be fine staying in my current home as long as I had a new master bedroom...

I'm handling work a little better than I used to.  They are really piling the work on us lately, and not getting any extra help.  The work I do is a little dangerous, so extra help is scheduled.  You have to rush and hurry to get a lot of the work done, but then you run the risk of hurting yourself or others.  They want you to rush to get the work done, but then preach to you not to hurry.  Kind of a catch 22.  So now, I'm just taking my time, doing what I can do.

I guess the home situation is what is sitting on my mind the most right now... I really need to do something.

Anyway, I have started dating something that I really like spending time with.  We live a little way apart, so I think that has really helped my situation too.  I'm glad she has been patient with me and can understand where I'm coming from.

Well, it has been a long day.  I'm really looking forward to the weekend.  I bought a cheapie $50 pool and can't wait to fill it up and just relax and do nothing all weekend!  I need to get back in the habit to posting more to get all the thoughts out of my head.  As I write all this, I can tell my thoughts are already slowing down in my head...

Being Happy.

The biggest thing I'm struggling  with right now is allowing myself to be happy.  I can have such a good time, then later feel bad about having it...almost like I don't deserve to be happy.  That's a strange feeling for me.  I know I'll get better with it, because time and deep breaths can help just about anything.  Somehow, I actually got two night off work this weekend!  I really had the best time I've had in a long time.  I'm not really looking forward to going back to work Monday night, but the turnaround is getting closer to being over, just about 3 more weeks!

Anyway, I only wanted to post a quick note to remind myself where I'm at right now.  Allergies are also getting the best of me tonight/today!

It's April!

Just about 3 more weeks or so until the turnaround is over!  I can't wait!  I really hate working overtime, but the money sure is nice.  I've been saving up so I can build a new home around September.  I hadn't done a post in awhile, so I thought I'd write something real quick before I fall asleep for the day.  Everything is going pretty well.  I started seeing someone.  She's a real special girl and accepts the situation I came from.  We're taking things real slow and that's nice.  I have an awesome time around her, but sometimes catch myself feeling guilty about having fun.  I guess that can be expected, but hope to overcome those feelings of guilt one day.  It's not fair to me, or whoever I'm seeing.

I'm used to running on about 3 or 4 hours of sleep a night, but still usually get two long naps in during the week.  With the turnaround going on, my sleep schedule has still not adjusted.  I think that may be while I'm feeling a little sick this morning.  Well, this was a pretty boring post, but I'm exhausted and sick...and need sleep!

Retirement

I’m just 32 and I think about retirement quite often.  More specifically, I think about early retirement.  I think I’ve developed a plan to retire at around age 42-45.  Recently, I started reading a book called Get a Life: You don’t need a Million to Retire Well by Ralph Warner.  I like the book because it includes real life studies based on people who have already retired, and what makes them happy during retirement.  Some of the things that I thought would keep me happy in retirement seem to be (as this book has it) things that keep people happy for short amount of time.  I definitely don’t want to be bored or unhappy when I retire, so I have things to think about.  I know I don’t care for my job that much, as it really doesn’t bring me any satisfaction…it’s just means to an end (and that brings me to another book I’ve read several times, but I’ll save that for another post).

After reading the Get a Life book and also reading The Four Hour Workweek by Tim Ferris, I’m starting to think about another option.  Stay at my current job until retirement age (55), collect full benefits and take a series of mini-vacations during the time I’m employed.  The trick would be avoiding any overtime the job throws at me, which would be a challenge.  It’s hard to turn down money sometimes. 

Ok, a little more about the mini-vacations.  I currently work about 14-15 days a month, not including overtime.  This breaks down to about 7 daytime shifts and 7 nighttime shifts.  Not all the days and nights are together, but it does allow me for 7 straight days off every month.  I can take 4 days of vacation prior to these 7 days off, and get a total of 14 days off.  I could do this roughly 3 times a year with my allotted vacation.  After the turnaround is over that I’m currently working on, I’m doing my first mini-vacation of the year and heading to Peru, Ecuador or Colombia…or a combination of 2 of the 3!  My friend that helped me run the marathon is going for her vacation and I’ll meet up with her while she’s down there.  I’m pretty excited about the trip!  I’ve never been to South America before except for a quick stop on a cruise ship.  This time it will be filled with seeing the unseen sights and staying in hostels!

There is one thing that I do know if life now…nothing is for certain.  So, all my plans, ideas and dreams could change at any time.  That’s something that I never thought I would factor into my planning, but it wouldn’t make sense not too.

Sunny Skies

Things are finally starting to look better!  I completed my first marathon ever!  I wasn't happy with my time, but then again, I practically did zero training.  I'm guessing I should have ran more than 10 miles at a time for my training as 26.2 was killer!  My final time was 4 hours and 48 minutes.

Other areas of my life are looking up too, but I sure wish the turnaround I am currently on was over.  I hate wishing life away, but I would do anything for it to be May.

Cutting this one short, time for an hour and 1/2 nap before work.

Tacos!

Today is the launch of the Doritos Los Tacos from Taco Bell!  I have seriously been waiting for this day for quite a while now.  It's a regular taco, but on a shell made entirely of Doritos!

It's really nice feeling like my old self again.  I still look at old pictures and they just make me smile now.  I never though I would have such a comforting feeling looking at them.  I really don't know how to explain that.  I guess that is one thing that has reassured me that there is a greater power and there is an afterlife...because there is now way I could be comforted if there were not.

In just a few days I will attempt my first marathon.  I'm pretty sure I will complete it, but it's going to be miserable!  I still don't have any idea why I signed up for it.  I really hate running, but think it really helps me physically and mentally....probably more mentally.

I also noticed I use the words "seriously, honestly, really and just" too much.  I need to find more words to substitute!  "Just" is a word I drop in when I probably shouldn't, grammatically speaking.

Ok, it's 6:50am and now bedtime.

A little more at peace

I'm definitely starting to feel a little more at peace after the past couple of weeks.  I'm still working every day at work, and hope this ends up helping build the new house!  I hate working overtime, but will do what I need to, to build the new home!  I've been on straight days, but about to switch over to straight nights on Sunday night.  That actually works out good because a friend is having a "barn party" Saturday night!  I'm kinda excited about the barn party!

My head has been pretty clear the past few days so I don't have much to talk about!

Can't think of a title!

I'm pretty tired tonight, but I wanted to write a few things before I fall out!  I have decided I will not longer think about the rumors I hear.  I know what I know from facts and being in the middle of the situation.  I have a scenario in my head that makes the most sense to me and that's how I'll choose to remember it.

That being said, I have many friends that tell me I deserve to be happy.  I agree.  It's time to start shifting everything back to being happy for real, and not having to fake it.  I've really worked hard to get where I'm at and really worked hard to become someone people actually enjoy being around.  I never want to go back to being the person I once was a few years ago that only thought about himself.

I'm working 13 days in a row currently and getting every 14th off.  Those are 12 hour days and wear me down! However, I had today off and tried to make the best of it.  I stepped outside this morning to check on the temperature.  The weather was perfect!  I was going to mow the grass, remulch the flower beds and paint the back porch today.  When I saw the perfect skies, I decided to drop the top on the car and head to Houston to run at Memorial Park!  It was an hour and a half drive, but worth every second of it.  During the drive, it was the first time in awhile my mind hasn't been all over the place.  I was just enjoying the music and the wind blowing around in the car.  At the park, I wanted to run for 90 minutes.  I didn't do too bad, keeping a pace in the mid 8 minute miles.

Anyway, I'm pretty tired and the alarm will be ringing soon to get up, plus I need to fold clothes!

How to find information...

Looks like no sleep again tonight.  One and a half hours of sleep for three days is wearing me down a little.

I work in the oil industry.  There are many situations that arise at a plant, where the person responsible needs to be held accountable.  Usually, these "fault finding" investigations are done by hearsay and talking with people one on one.  Even if a manager confronts the person he or she believes is at fault, they can come up with some type of excuse as to way it wasn't their fault.

I give that very brief background to talk about another manager I had.  This guy had it figured out.  Everything done at a refinery is pretty much automatically logged in a computer.  You can see when people make adjustments by looking at graphs and charts that automatically capture information.  This manager would print out the charts, graphs and "trends."  Then he would get EVERYONE that could possible be involved with the incident in the same room.  And then all hell would break loose.  You should see the finger pointing that goes on!  But the one thing that cannot be avoided is the truth.  First, you have facts in black and white that cannot lie.  Second, the people in the room that had nothing to do with the incident will help figure out what happened.

This manager's way of going about these situations was a bit unorthodox.  He could really piss some people off when he did this.  But you know what? It got the job done.

This brings me to where my thoughts are right now.  The bad thing is, I don't even know how to type my thoughts right now.  I really wish I could.  It's like a whirlwind of things running through my head, and I can't grab them to put them together.  I could type out exactly what the situation is, but that really wouldn't help.  I can somewhat understand why this person (or these people) is (are) doing what they are doing.  But I would think there is a certain way to go about it, and the way they are going about it can cause unrepairable damages.  However when some people get to an extremely low point in their life, they don't care about the destruction they leave behind.

---------------------------------------

I almost had some sort of closure about what happened.  I had a scenario that made the most sense to me, and one that I could almost understand.  Then you hear rumors....LOTS of rumors.  I've never really understood rumors.  I don't know where I'm going with this now.

3:20am is going to come early.  That's what time I set my alarm for to get up for work.  After I got off work today, I hit the gym pretty hard to try to wear myself down so I would sleep easily tonight.  I even stopped off at the restaurant across the street from my house to have a single beer to maybe put me out.  I know they have "better" sleep aides, but I've always been against chemically produced pills.  Melatonin is probably ok, but I've never taken it either and don't want to oversleep for work.

It's still crazy to me that you can really see yourself making progress, then over a few days you are taken back by leaps and bounds.

Not even sure....

For the first time every, a trip to the gym didn't slow my thoughts.  I hope this doesn't become a common thing.

I remember when I was little, I used to like to look at dragonflies.  I thought they were the coolest thing ever!  Someone then told me they were poisonous!  I was a little kid....I believed this person!  I was now scared to death of dragonflies!  A few years later, I learned that, in fact, they were not poisonous.

Not really sure what that story means, but it kind of seemed fitting to all the thoughts that are running through my head tonight.

If they gym didn't help tonight, I'm pretty sure this post won't help tonight either.

This is probably the worst night I've had in a long time.  I don't write that for pity or to get 50 emails and messages that say "I'm here for you."  I do appreciate those messages, but it is not at all why I write the things I do.  Tonight, I just feel like I don't know much.  I hate not knowing things.  arggg this isn't going to help tonight.

Gym & The book.

Something tells me this might be another long post.

I stayed at the gym for over 3 hours today.  I never stay that long.  I go to the gym for two main reasons... 1) It's the only thing that turns my mind to mush. 2) I love seeing myself make improvements.  The picture below is from my workout today.  I just started about a month ago writing down everything I do in the gym.  It helps me know that I'm going forward.
 











I got pretty bored doing weights today.. just wasn't feeling it.  So I did a quick google search on the phone and found something called "The Spartan."  It consists of running a mile, doing 100 push ups, 100 sit-ups, run a mile, 75 push ups, 75 sit-ups, run a mile, 50 push ups, 50 sit-ups.  And to top it off, you are to do it all in under 33 minutes.  I didn't time myself, but I'm positive I went way beyond 33 minutes!  After that, I just wanted to relax and read a little more into the book 90 Minutes in Heaven.  So I hopped on the stationary bike I made it through chapters 4-7 this time.  When I got done, I realized I went 8.5 miles on the bike.  At this point, my mind was racing with thoughts so I figured I'd run and try to empty them  I ran another mile but didn't seem to help me forget my thoughts.  I think it's one of the first times I have ran, and actually had vivid thoughts.  Then it was to the dry sauna and the shower... and now I sit on my couch writing this blog.

90 Minutes in Heaven.  Really wish I would have read this book before the end of November '11.  It's about a guy who gets in a really bad (I cannot emphasize BAD enough) and is declared dead on scene.  His body is mangled beyond belief and had no pulse for 90 minutes.  A preacher came on the scene of the accident and wanted to know if he could help pray with anyone.  The officer told him all were ok, but there was someone who died.  This was a Baptist preacher and the Baptist don't believe in praying for the dead.  However, this preacher managed to climb into this totally destroyed car and pray for this dead man and even began to sing to him.  Out of no where, the dead man began singing back.  This preacher flipped out!  He jumped out of the car and tried to get the responders to check on the man!  The all said the same thing, that the man had no pulse for over 90 minutes, that he is dead.  Finally, the preacher said he was going to lay in the middle of the road if they wouldn't at least check on this guy!  Eventually, the medics checked on the "dead" man and sure enough, he now had a pulse.

That got me thinking pretty hard about November 30th 2011.  I was so weak.  I sat in my driveway and just cried.  Maybe if I had went in, prayed, sang, I could have helped my sweetie come back!  I did nothing!  I still feel like the medics did nothing!  Why did they do more???  The police and medics wouldn't let me go in anyway, but I'm sure I could have got in if I needed to.  I don't know what I even would have sang!

I'm not the church type by any means.  I do remember back when I was about 7 or 8 we would ride with my grand-pa in his motor home.  He would put Southern Baptist style gospel music in the cassette player and let it rip!  I would remember him singing (even at that young age) songs such as "I'll Fly Away," "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Amazing Grace."  I don't know but maybe the first line or two in each song.  But what if I would have just sang those lines to her over and over?  I have so much regret in my heart and it ever goes away.  Before this, I have cried maybe a half dozen times in my life....and even two of them may have been "fake" cries.  But now (and even as I write this) it happens all too often.  That reminds me.. tears taste like salt water.

Argg..  Ok, on to something else.  In my heart, I now consider myself a Christian.  I don't advertise that.  I do things that are not Christian like quite a bit, and don't want people to think this is the way a Christian should act.  I have some addictions, and not typical addictions....addictions that no one really knows about.  Some of them I kicked when I had my sweetie.  She filled so many voids in my life.

I just have so many thoughts running through my head right now.  I'm glad I started writing this blog.  It really does help me release some of my thoughts.  It started out as a private blog, but I made it public sometime in December of '11.  I'm not sure exactly why I did that, but I felt some people may experience some of the same things that I have and wonder how others have handled it.  I'm not saying what I'm doing with my life is right or wrong, but just the un-cut story of how one person has handled it.  I never thought I would get some of the emails and Facebook messages that I do about my blog.  Some of the people I have never met, others I haven't seen in many years.

Ok.  My mind has slowed down to a manageable level, probably time to get a little sleep.  Working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, plus gym time is taking its toll on me.

I have to switch it up.

Well, this post is coming from somewhere I never thought I'd be again...my home in Beaumont.  There isn't much that seems to be helping my mind.  I can't help but think being in an environment that wasn't mine was helping.  I've been coming to my house in Beaumont several times, doing maintenance getting it ready to sell.  I've done really well coming by and staying for hours at a time.  I know many people will not be able to understand me coming back to the house, but I just don't know what else to do.  I think that using my own washer and dryer, using my own kitchen and grilling on the back porch may be what I need.  If it isn't, I can always go back to where I was staying.  Hopefully, I'll have everything ready and can get it up for sale in a couple of weeks and get it sold.  I'm going to ask quite a bit below appraisal, so I'm hoping it will move pretty quick.

I also start a new position at work Monday.  It's just temporary for about 3 or 4 months.  It'll have me behind a desk and that puts me way out of my comfort zone, but it pays pretty well and will help put me in another house. My current job has me outside about 60% of the time and I like being outside.  I'm pretty sure the desk I will be sitting at in the new position will not even have a window.  I still feel pretty fortunate that I was selected for the position.  I put in for it awhile back to use the extra money for a wedding and a down payment on a home.  I would have stepped outside my comfort zone for that girl anytime.

Something else that bothers me is when I see couples arguing.  You never know what will happen.  People say "don't sweat the small stuff" all the time and probably overplay it.  But I do wish people would relax and truly enjoy who they are with.... whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend or a marriage.  I'm living proof you never know what will happen.  I would do anything just to say "I love you" one more time.  Every time she left the house, I would make sure I caught her to let her know I loved her....and it still wasn't enough for me.  I probably wear my heart on my sleeve too much, but that's me.  Don't think I can change that either.

I tried dating a little bit too over the past week.  Don't think that's going to work right now either.  I'm not ready for a relationship by any means, but hanging out with the guys all the time isn't exactly what I need either.  Sometimes it's just nice to have a conversation with a woman.  At least with the new job, I won't even have time to date or even time to think about it.

Seems like there is much more I planned on writing tonight, but my head is a little clearer right now.  Probably best to lay down on the couch and get some sleep.

650,000 Hours.

It has been a couple of weeks since I last posted anything, because mainly, as always, I still have the same feelings and thoughts.  I still miss someone terribly and, at time, everything still seems like a dream.  I can't figure out how someone gets closure in a situation that I'm going through...a situation in that nothing makes since!  I'm trying to throw a few new things into my daily routine to see if that helps.  I've stepped out a little further in the past few days and it seems to help.  I've also slowly going back to my house and staying a little longer each time.  That has pushed me to the point where I am ok with the house.  I really miss having my own things and everything being in its place.  I stopped by the house a few hours before work yesterday just to cook on my grill.  That felt really nice.  There had been so many great memories in that house and those are the only ones I can see most of the time.  I'm thinking I might move back in it in a week or so, but it will still go up for sale within a couple of weeks.  I need to finish my back porch and finish a few small items I never completed when I built it.  I think living it in it will help me get it finished as well.  I had to move around quite a bit of stuff to get my king bed to fit in my guest bedroom....just don't think I will ever be able to go into one room.  But really, I will probably sleep on my couch anyway.  I love my couch and in the past, probably have slept more on that than my bed anyway!

Ok deep breath.  Glad I wrote that out, maybe my head can settle a little now.

Anyway, 650,000 hours...the title of this post.  A friend told me that is how many hours the average person lives.  That's about 75 years, but put into hours, that doesn't seem like a lot of time!  So THAT got me thinking... where am I at now??  280,728.  Didn't realize my odometer was that high!  One of my biggest fears in life not making the most of it.  Maybe looking at it through the hour meter, instead of the yearly meter will force me to make the most out of every hour!  Don't know why that stuck in my head, but I'm glad this person shared it.

Alright, time for me to get up and head to work.  I'm a union worker and our three year contract just expired, which meant we could have went on strike Feb1st.  I just learned today that the union and the company have a tentative deal, so it looks like we will not go on strike.  The deal that was reached isn't the best, since the raise will not keep up with inflation.  The union members still have to vote on it before it is a done deal.  I will vote NO, but it will probably not mean anything.  Too many members don't save enough to afford a strike.  I feel if we want good paying oil/gas jobs for our kids and grand kids, then you need to stand up for whats right.  Sometimes the general public doesn't understand this.....oh wow, I could go on about trickle down economics but I really need to get off this couch!

Another year.

I turned 32 yesterday.  I had a pretty good time for my bday, surrounded by great friends and family.  I really only had one wish for my birthday, and I knew it was an impossible for my wish to come true, but that's what I used my wish for.  I only wanted to close my eyes, open them, and I would be celebrating my 31st again.

I still would hope one day that my mind would stop going back to one place every time I get by myself.  I can usually control my thoughts and feelings, but I cannot keep it from going back to a particular day.  It hurts so bad.  I guess that's why I have not wrote a post in awhile.  Everything is just about the same as it was.  There are certain people I wanted near me to help me (and them) possibly get through this easier.  But that never happened.  This is probably the 2nd most thing that goes through my head that I cannot control.  I cannot picture why someone would distance themselves from someone who is in so much pain.  Enough of that...

Jan 31st and midnight will decide if I still have to go to work.  I work a union backed job and our 3 year contract is up at that time.  There is a possibility that we could go on strike.  If we don't go on strike, I'm going to start getting dirt brought in to my lot so I can start building a house later in the year.  A friend made a comment that made me laugh a few days ago, "Shaun, you own several houses and don't live in any of them!" I really miss my last house.  At one point, I really thought I could be strong enough to go back there to stay.  In my head I had a plan to fix up the guest bedroom, change out a few things and tough it out.  Oh well.

Anyway, yesterday I started the morning off in Houston to do a little running at memorial park.  Even though it was my bday, I think about my run, other than I would do my normal training.  I was supposed to do a 40 min temp run.  However, my gps told me I ran my first mile in 7:58.  I never start off that fast, but it felt normal, so then I thought what I could do mile two in... it was 7:30.  At that point, I wanted to just do a 5k run and see what I could do for mile 3!  The gps came over my earbuds and said 6:58.  It has been a long time since I ran a mile below 7 minutes, let alone after already running 2 miles before that!  I was pretty excited about this!  So on the drive home, I thought about other little physical things I have never been able to do.  One thing stuck out the most...bench 225 pounds.  Seems like an odd number to people who don't work out, but that means putting two 45 pounds plates on each side of a bar that also weighs 45 pounds.  I just always thought about how cool it would be to do that.  Well, I talked myself up enough to stop by the gym in beaumont to try it out.  I started out warming up with a plate on each side.  then added 25's to each side, that was still easy.  Then I pulled the 25's off and then added 35's.  That even wasn't bad.  So then I pulled the 35's off and added the second plate to each side.  I also grabbed a spotter for it because I wasn't sure if I could actually do it.  Well, it wasn't that easy for me, but I did it.  I was really proud of myself for that.  I have super long arms and it takes a lot for me to raise the weight up that far!  At that moment, I realized maybe 32 isn't the year you get "old."  I always pictured a birthday that you just become "old" and can't do much anymore.

Ok, I'm done for today.  So really, not much has changed, wishing it would.