I stayed at the gym for over 3 hours today. I never stay that long. I go to the gym for two main reasons... 1) It's the only thing that turns my mind to mush. 2) I love seeing myself make improvements. The picture below is from my workout today. I just started about a month ago writing down everything I do in the gym. It helps me know that I'm going forward.
I got pretty bored doing weights today.. just wasn't feeling it. So I did a quick google search on the phone and found something called "The Spartan." It consists of running a mile, doing 100 push ups, 100 sit-ups, run a mile, 75 push ups, 75 sit-ups, run a mile, 50 push ups, 50 sit-ups. And to top it off, you are to do it all in under 33 minutes. I didn't time myself, but I'm positive I went way beyond 33 minutes! After that, I just wanted to relax and read a little more into the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. So I hopped on the stationary bike I made it through chapters 4-7 this time. When I got done, I realized I went 8.5 miles on the bike. At this point, my mind was racing with thoughts so I figured I'd run and try to empty them I ran another mile but didn't seem to help me forget my thoughts. I think it's one of the first times I have ran, and actually had vivid thoughts. Then it was to the dry sauna and the shower... and now I sit on my couch writing this blog.
90 Minutes in Heaven. Really wish I would have read this book before the end of November '11. It's about a guy who gets in a really bad (I cannot emphasize BAD enough) and is declared dead on scene. His body is mangled beyond belief and had no pulse for 90 minutes. A preacher came on the scene of the accident and wanted to know if he could help pray with anyone. The officer told him all were ok, but there was someone who died. This was a Baptist preacher and the Baptist don't believe in praying for the dead. However, this preacher managed to climb into this totally destroyed car and pray for this dead man and even began to sing to him. Out of no where, the dead man began singing back. This preacher flipped out! He jumped out of the car and tried to get the responders to check on the man! The all said the same thing, that the man had no pulse for over 90 minutes, that he is dead. Finally, the preacher said he was going to lay in the middle of the road if they wouldn't at least check on this guy! Eventually, the medics checked on the "dead" man and sure enough, he now had a pulse.
That got me thinking pretty hard about November 30th 2011. I was so weak. I sat in my driveway and just cried. Maybe if I had went in, prayed, sang, I could have helped my sweetie come back! I did nothing! I still feel like the medics did nothing! Why did they do more??? The police and medics wouldn't let me go in anyway, but I'm sure I could have got in if I needed to. I don't know what I even would have sang!
I'm not the church type by any means. I do remember back when I was about 7 or 8 we would ride with my grand-pa in his motor home. He would put Southern Baptist style gospel music in the cassette player and let it rip! I would remember him singing (even at that young age) songs such as "I'll Fly Away," "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Amazing Grace." I don't know but maybe the first line or two in each song. But what if I would have just sang those lines to her over and over? I have so much regret in my heart and it ever goes away. Before this, I have cried maybe a half dozen times in my life....and even two of them may have been "fake" cries. But now (and even as I write this) it happens all too often. That reminds me.. tears taste like salt water.
Argg.. Ok, on to something else. In my heart, I now consider myself a Christian. I don't advertise that. I do things that are not Christian like quite a bit, and don't want people to think this is the way a Christian should act. I have some addictions, and not typical addictions....addictions that no one really knows about. Some of them I kicked when I had my sweetie. She filled so many voids in my life.
I just have so many thoughts running through my head right now. I'm glad I started writing this blog. It really does help me release some of my thoughts. It started out as a private blog, but I made it public sometime in December of '11. I'm not sure exactly why I did that, but I felt some people may experience some of the same things that I have and wonder how others have handled it. I'm not saying what I'm doing with my life is right or wrong, but just the un-cut story of how one person has handled it. I never thought I would get some of the emails and Facebook messages that I do about my blog. Some of the people I have never met, others I haven't seen in many years.
Ok. My mind has slowed down to a manageable level, probably time to get a little sleep. Working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, plus gym time is taking its toll on me.
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