"Sure, why not?"

I had someone in my life that I lost that once told me, "I've done more in the past 12 months with you than I have done in my entire life."  That keeps echoing in my head.  It's amazing how much you can experience in life when share it with someone that you really enjoy being around...someone that you never get tired of.  My memory is horrible, so that got me thinking, what did we do?  Well, here is my attempt at trying to remember...

• Warrior Dash in Austin - we almost didn't make it because we stayed out a little too late!  We woke up with pizza all over the bed and overslept!
• Another Austin trip - Did quite a bit of running on the greenbelt and even went to a longhorns game...and of course hit up Pete's piano bar.
• Jamaica - We went for my birthday!  We rented RZR's and took them through the mountains (small mountains..lol), zip lined through the jungle and hiked up Dunns River Falls (so cold!).
• San Antonio - So much fun, we stayed right on the riverwalk.  We took a riverboat tour and did a lot of drinking and eating!
• Tough Mudder - The first tough mudder, she didn't run, but cheered me on!  We stayed in Bastrop.
• Austin - yet another Austin trip... lots of running!  We always talked about how fun it would be to retire in Austin... we loved it.
• Surfside Beach - lots of sun and cruising the beach in the hummer
• Crystal Beach - too many of these trips to mention!
• Sabine Pass to High Island off road drive - she got a little scared on this one, but I kept assuring her I would never put her in danger!
• ATV rides - Jacksonville & Burkville were the main places, but also rode at a few times at friends deer leases.
• L'auberge - at least 4 different overnight stays here.  We loved the pool and the gym!
• Houston trips - most were only to go to the cheesecake factory!  We loved staying at the Intercontinental because of the gym and the pool area!  We didn't like the Derek too much, no hot tub and I got stung by a bee at the pool! 
• Tough Mudder - The one we did together!  She usually liked to be pushed, but I might have pushed her a little too hard while we were running.  Once I realized I was pissing her off, I backed off. :o)  I was so proud of her!
• Colorado - Hiked up a 14er!  She made me the happiest guy in the world at the top of the mountain.  We did another hike later that was so beautiful.
• Contraband - we went both weekends.  We got mad at each other one night and she cried.  I still can't remember exactly what we were arguing about and it wasn't important.  But when I saw that first tear fall, I knew I would never give her any reason to cry again.  The second weekend was awesome!  They took the boat up to the vendor area and we had some pretty awesome food!
• Halloween - We dressed up as hippies!  There were so many things going on and other people's plans kept changing so we decided to just go out by ourselves!  We had so much fun that night!  Probably too much fun!
• New Braunfels - we probably went way too early in the year, the water was EXTRA cold!  She didn't care, she cannon bailed off the raft into the river!
• Nederland Heritage Festive - We ATE and ATE and ATE!  Then we rode the rides!  We probably should have done the rides first, then ate!
• The back porch - Just firing up the grill and sitting on the back porch with goose.  I really can't express how much fun this was or how many times we did this!
• Restaurants - We must have ate out 3 times a week!  With just 2 ppl and we would usually split a plate, it was almost cheaper than cooking at the house!
• Live Music - we would love going to a restaurant by our house that had live music and another favorite time was hearing Stoney Larue at the Longhorn.

I know I'm leaving tons of things off and I'm going to have to come back to add to this!  One thing I always told her is you only get one shot at each day in your life, make it count.  Anytime I would suggest something for us to do, she would reply "Sure, why not?"

Stuck.

I know I'm lucky to have the friends that I do.  They always seem to know how to take my mind off things.  When they are not around, my mind always goes back to the same place.  I don't know what I can do about it.  I always once thought I could answer anything, or if I didn't know the answer, I could find an answer.  I cannot this time.  I know it has only been only a little over two weeks from what is weighing on my mind, but it seems I am not making any progress when I'm alone.  I get a lot of emails and messages from people (some who I don't even know) about this.  Some say "time heals everything," others say "it gets easier with time, but you'll never forget."  I know I never want to forget what I've learned, but ... I'm rambling and I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling.

My friends have turned me on to a few new things.  Disc golf - just like golf, but you use a Frisbee instead.  Never thought I would enjoy this, but it's pretty fun.  Slackline - well, hard to describe, but it's here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDTwQGEeGZc.  I'm not good at it at all, but I'll get better.  Darts - forgot how much fun this can be.

Today was day #1 of training for a marathon too.  I had no idea where to start, so I downloaded an app to get me started.  Today's workout was just a 30 minute jog.  The app has voice over to tell you why you are doing what you are doing.  The workouts build each time and it said some of the workouts till take 4 hours a day.  I'm a little nervous about it, because my knees are getting worse.  I had been working on a joint matrix supplement, so maybe I'll have to keep pushing forward on that.  I'm probably going to spend the next two days in Houston.  I want to go to the rock gym one day and do more training at Memorial park.  I remember that park being pretty active for runners in Houston.  And of course I'll get all my Christmas shopping done as well!  Ok, the mind is a little more at rest and I need some sleep.

Same thoughts...

I have not had to post in a few days, because there is not really much to write about.  My mind has stopped racing so much, but it is still the same thoughts.  These are the thoughts I have not shared.  These are the thoughts that still trouble me.  It's probably not healthy (as people say), but I don't feel like sharing them yet.

Positively speaking, I'm doing much better than I was 12 days ago.  I don't know what I would being doing right now if it were not for the support of friends, and support of people I have never met.  I still can't believe I was blessed to have so many people that I've never met, share a story with me.  Some of the stories that were told to me, gave me the best motivation for continuing on.

I'm also going to try going back to work tomorrow as well.

What are the chances?

Just when I lay down, and think I'll finally get a nap in, my mind starts up again.  I keep thinking about all the little moments in life, that really change your life.  I mean, one small thing could really change it!  I'm not talking about friends moving off, people leaving your life or changing jobs.  I saw a video that a friend posted.  It was about a pilot who was to fly on 9/11/2001.  Long story short, there was another senior pilot who wanted the flight instead.  So the first pilot was bumped off the flight.  Well, it was one of the hijacked planes.  That pilot whose life was spared really seems to be doing something with his life, knowing he could look on TV and see what his fate was suppose to be.

It doesn't have to mean life and death.  Maybe you could bump into someone by total accident and they change your life....good or bad.  My head just can't comprehend all the what-ifs in life.  I try to think about my first love, what if that would have all worked out?  What would I be doing?  You just can't know!  What about all the stupid things I did when I was younger?  How did I survive those things?  We actually build a high power explosive once, made out of pipe.  You had to shake it for the chemicals to react.  I was shaking it, wondering if I had activated the chemicals inside.  About that time, the cap we had on the end blew off I don't know how many yards away!  We didn't let the glue cure on the cap.  What if that glue had cured?  At my previous job, I was walking though the unit when a large hose over pressured, came loose, whipped and hit my knee.  It split it open.  How come it didn't swing a little higher and hit me in the temple?  I could go on and on and on about all these things that could have turned out different.  Ok, my mind has calmed and I need a nap.

College

For some reason, I wrote up today thinking about college.  A thought like that would usually be in and out of my mind in a second, but it's sticking this morning.  I wouldn't think this post will take long to clear that out of my head.  I'm a college drop-out.  I graduated HS #38 out of about 320 something just by winging it.  I had no study skills.  Going to college and trying to take 18 hours my first semester, and going about it the way I did in HS didn't cut it.  I think my GPA was a 2.8 the first semester.  The second semester was about the same too.  I had to re-evaluate everything.  Was I even headed in the right direction?  I always thought I would become a chiropractor.  I really didn't even know anything about the medical field.  In my spare time, I took side courses to get my CNA (certified nurses assistant) certificate at Baptist Hospital.  During the hands on at the hospital, I really learned I hated helping people.  That sounds bad.

I told my parents I couldn't continue on, attempting to be a chiropractor.  They were supportive, but worried about what I would do.  I really didn't know.  A friends grandfather (that I still respect the heck out of even today) and my grandfather were both plant workers.  I never knew what they did though.  I went to the local technical college and did some questioning.  I think my exact words to the admissions/councelor were, "What will get me out of here the quickest and give me the most bang for my buck?"  She said, "You need to be an operator."  I think it took me 2 semesters and a summer session for that two year associates degree.  I also graduated with a 3.98 GPA.

I thought this would be a short post.

Right out of the tech college, I went to work for a company named Canadian Chemical.  I loved it at first, I got to travel quite a bit, always flying me where I needed to go.  I kind of felt like a big shot at 20 years old!  The money was great.  Actually, I really wish I knew more about money when I was that young.  I'm highlighting that.  Not sure why.  In HS they would teach you about wars you would never remember, but not how to setup a Roth IRA, true prices of financing, ect.  I hope they are doing that now.  Anyway, Canadian Chemical was great!  But it was starting to get into my personal life.  It was once two weeks on, two weeks off.  Then it was 3 on, 2 off.  Then it was 4 on, 2 off.  I couldn't handle that.  The day I was flying out for another job, Dow Chemical called and offered me a job.  I asked at which plant and they said Freeport.  I told the lady I had to decline, because that would be too far for me.  She said, well, where do you want to work?  I told her Houston is about as far as I would go.  She said, "Done!  We'll figure something out.  We want you."

Dow was a great company to work for.  They never made you feel like you were part of the company, they made you feel like you WERE the company.  I respected them.  I was living in Houston now.  I figured since I had a little traditional college under my belt, I would go back for more.  Dow was even paying the bill!  So I ended up driving many days, back and forth to my old college to take classes.  I don't know how many miles I put on my old Saturn driving from Houston to Beaumont.

Personal things changed in my life and I ended up dropping out of college again with about 12-15 hours left to a bachelors degree.

I really don't plan on finishing the degree.  To me, it is just paper.  I know the paper is something that is required of many employers and shows an accomplishment, but it is not for me.  I still don't see how people will take 40-60-100k student loans to get jobs that pay 28-50k a year.

I'm not trying to talk down on college.  I think it is very important.  I really wish that the government would get the cost of it down...at least at the state universities.  Private college are a business and can charge what the market will pay them.  That's business.  I also feel that if you applied yourself in HS and had good grades, at least your first semester should be paid in full.  If you maintain an excellent GPA that semester, your next one would be paid.... and so on.

DONE!  College is now off my head.

Religion & Children

Two posts in one day...this is a new one for me.  There is one subject that constantly is coming to mind, and I can't shake it.  I'm completely exhausted right now, but I hope this will help me clear my head.  Not much of this one will probably make any sense, because I'm running on almost no sleep, but here I go.  Backgrounds are always nice, so....I was raised Baptist, engaged to a Mormon girl at one point when I was way too young and married/divorced a Catholic.  I don't feel any association to any denomination.  I believe there is a higher power, and I believe that higher power is the god the Bible speaks of.  I believe there is a Heaven and that there is a Hell.  I don't have a personal relationship with God.  Death has always been a very difficult subject for me.  I'm completely terrified of the subject; I don't know what death means.  When I was young, the preacher would paint a picture of Heaven.  It would have streets of gold, everyone was happy and there was no pain.  I pictured the place kind of like a really awesome Chuck-e Cheese. 

As I grew older, I began to wonder 1)How do you look in Heaven? Would you look the same as you did when you left the earth, or maybe you would look like you did at the best point in your life? 2)Would you even have a humanly form?  Maybe we would look just like floating bubbles? 3) Could you actually talk?  If so, what language?  Am I going to have to learn a new language?  Maybe you don't talk, you just somehow know everything around you.  4) If Heaven is forever and you can't die in Heaven, will there be things there you always wanted to try that might have been too dangerous to try on earth? 5)If you loved someone (as a significant other) on Earth, and they passed and eventually you found another earthly love, how does that work in Heaven when you die?

I'm sure there are many educated preachers who could pinpoint scriptures that would answer some of these questions.  But I don't think it is really possible to know (unless it says flat out in scripture).  I just can't picture Heaven.  Hell, on the other hand, is pretty easy to picture.  I think it looks like Paris if it were on fire.

I'll have to talk more about religion when I'm not so tired.  I just read back over the last 5 sentences and they didn't really come out how I wanted.

Children.  This has bothered me for about the past 2 years.  I think I'm finally ready for kids, but I'm almost 32!  Maybe it is just coming from a small town, but anything past 30 is too old to start having kids!  And I know it would be many years from now before I could think about having kids anyway...so that'll put me around 35.  I've never had a problem with adoption, so maybe if I really do start getting too old, I'll just go that route.  Ok, too tired.  So much more I wanted to write and now I probably have even more on my head.  This post didn't go the way I wanted it to.

It's been awhile...

It's been almost 8 months since I wrote.  Not because I was too busy for it, but just no need.  I mainly started this writing to clear my head.  I had to go back and re-read everything I posted so far, just to see if I made any progress.  I have to say I have.  It looked like one of the biggest hang-ups in my life was work.  Shortly after that last post back in March, I don't know what changed.  If you have ever seen Office Space, where the guy gets hypnotized and then just doesn't care...that's almost like what happened.  I just started seeing work as a means to an end.  I wanted to put my 12hrs in, do what they asked, and get home to my sweetie for real life.  I would think about this new mindset sometimes, about how I was really wanting 12hrs of my life to only take a 1 minute each day.  I truly believe you only have one chance at 12/6/11 or 12/7/11 or so on and you should try to make some sort of difference while you are here...but I was wanting 12hrs of my life to disappear each day.  I've had a something happen recently that has caused the worst hurt I have ever experienced in my life...something that I still don't know how to handle.  My work didn't even know how to handle it.  They finally came back and said they would give me two weeks off with no pay if I needed it.  I definitely need the two weeks off, and I don't really need the pay, but it just shocked me because they have so many people who abuse the system and get paid to be home for a year.  I really do like the direct people I work with.  I really consider them family.  I know I've butted heads with everyone at some point, but I know I would honor, defend and be there for any of them.  Ok, enough about work.. I still have to work on that area...

As I was reading my previous posts, I came across one I wrote about my ex and it hurt me.  I didn't mean to portray her like that.  Maybe that's how I felt at the time, but in really starting to understand life, and come to grasp with compassion, I know I was wrong to write that.  She really is a terrific person, just not right for me.  If I could ever have a room mate, it would have been her.  She's funny and very strong...she did something I could never do.  She took a leap of faith and moved to a city many miles away and started over from scratch.  I really admire people like that.  I think she knows now that I really respect her and everything she did in the past, even though I could not understand it at the time.  But one thing I will never understand is why she would not come to my first dirt bike race, after not racing for 10 years.  It really, really hurt my feelings.  I ended up finishing 5 out of 20, even with a broken clutch perch!

I really have no idea where my life is heading right now.  For those who know me, I'm a very detailed, schedule driven person.  A, B, and C have to happen before D and E.  The few things I know for certain are that I need to sell my house, cancel my road runner at the house and also sell two of my rentals.  I planned on selling those properties anyway when someone moved out.  I had great tenants and could never bring myself to sell something and force someone out.  Over the past couple of months, I've been trying to find a way to streamline my life to put my time where it really matters.  I still feel I need to leave a mark on this world somehow.  I once thought just being a good person would be enough, but someone taught me otherwise.  Still not exactly sure what I can do, but I'll get that figured out.

I also know I have some really good friends.  It's strange how you can loose touch with people, but yet they are right there when you need them.  I really did not think I could crack a smile for a long time, but the other day, a few of us met up at a park with a bucket of hardballs (not softballs, come on guys, softball?) and a bat and just went to smacking.  I seriously cannot believe none of us could it it over the fence.  That's my new challenge and I know I'll complete that one.  I know tonight I am going out with at least one buddy to buffalo wild wings.  For some reason, i really feel like I can eat a few wings tonight.  Man vs. Food better watch out!  I still don't think I'll be able to drink a beer though.  Not sure why, but beer just hasn't sounded good.

I also went to a place today that really really makes me feel uncomfortable...even to the point of me almost freaking out.  I've never been good at those places, but today was a special day and I had to suck it up.  I have to keep this bottled up for now...just not good with this subject or aspect of life.  Anyway, I think my mind is winding down and I probably need a nap before eating tonight.