It's been almost 8 months since I wrote. Not because I was too busy for it, but just no need. I mainly started this writing to clear my head. I had to go back and re-read everything I posted so far, just to see if I made any progress. I have to say I have. It looked like one of the biggest hang-ups in my life was work. Shortly after that last post back in March, I don't know what changed. If you have ever seen Office Space, where the guy gets hypnotized and then just doesn't care...that's almost like what happened. I just started seeing work as a means to an end. I wanted to put my 12hrs in, do what they asked, and get home to my sweetie for real life. I would think about this new mindset sometimes, about how I was really wanting 12hrs of my life to only take a 1 minute each day. I truly believe you only have one chance at 12/6/11 or 12/7/11 or so on and you should try to make some sort of difference while you are here...but I was wanting 12hrs of my life to disappear each day. I've had a something happen recently that has caused the worst hurt I have ever experienced in my life...something that I still don't know how to handle. My work didn't even know how to handle it. They finally came back and said they would give me two weeks off with no pay if I needed it. I definitely need the two weeks off, and I don't really need the pay, but it just shocked me because they have so many people who abuse the system and get paid to be home for a year. I really do like the direct people I work with. I really consider them family. I know I've butted heads with everyone at some point, but I know I would honor, defend and be there for any of them. Ok, enough about work.. I still have to work on that area...
As I was reading my previous posts, I came across one I wrote about my ex and it hurt me. I didn't mean to portray her like that. Maybe that's how I felt at the time, but in really starting to understand life, and come to grasp with compassion, I know I was wrong to write that. She really is a terrific person, just not right for me. If I could ever have a room mate, it would have been her. She's funny and very strong...she did something I could never do. She took a leap of faith and moved to a city many miles away and started over from scratch. I really admire people like that. I think she knows now that I really respect her and everything she did in the past, even though I could not understand it at the time. But one thing I will never understand is why she would not come to my first dirt bike race, after not racing for 10 years. It really, really hurt my feelings. I ended up finishing 5 out of 20, even with a broken clutch perch!
I really have no idea where my life is heading right now. For those who know me, I'm a very detailed, schedule driven person. A, B, and C have to happen before D and E. The few things I know for certain are that I need to sell my house, cancel my road runner at the house and also sell two of my rentals. I planned on selling those properties anyway when someone moved out. I had great tenants and could never bring myself to sell something and force someone out. Over the past couple of months, I've been trying to find a way to streamline my life to put my time where it really matters. I still feel I need to leave a mark on this world somehow. I once thought just being a good person would be enough, but someone taught me otherwise. Still not exactly sure what I can do, but I'll get that figured out.
I also know I have some really good friends. It's strange how you can loose touch with people, but yet they are right there when you need them. I really did not think I could crack a smile for a long time, but the other day, a few of us met up at a park with a bucket of hardballs (not softballs, come on guys, softball?) and a bat and just went to smacking. I seriously cannot believe none of us could it it over the fence. That's my new challenge and I know I'll complete that one. I know tonight I am going out with at least one buddy to buffalo wild wings. For some reason, i really feel like I can eat a few wings tonight. Man vs. Food better watch out! I still don't think I'll be able to drink a beer though. Not sure why, but beer just hasn't sounded good.
I also went to a place today that really really makes me feel uncomfortable...even to the point of me almost freaking out. I've never been good at those places, but today was a special day and I had to suck it up. I have to keep this bottled up for now...just not good with this subject or aspect of life. Anyway, I think my mind is winding down and I probably need a nap before eating tonight.
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