I'm pretty tired tonight, but I wanted to write a few things before I fall out! I have decided I will not longer think about the rumors I hear. I know what I know from facts and being in the middle of the situation. I have a scenario in my head that makes the most sense to me and that's how I'll choose to remember it.
That being said, I have many friends that tell me I deserve to be happy. I agree. It's time to start shifting everything back to being happy for real, and not having to fake it. I've really worked hard to get where I'm at and really worked hard to become someone people actually enjoy being around. I never want to go back to being the person I once was a few years ago that only thought about himself.
I'm working 13 days in a row currently and getting every 14th off. Those are 12 hour days and wear me down! However, I had today off and tried to make the best of it. I stepped outside this morning to check on the temperature. The weather was perfect! I was going to mow the grass, remulch the flower beds and paint the back porch today. When I saw the perfect skies, I decided to drop the top on the car and head to Houston to run at Memorial Park! It was an hour and a half drive, but worth every second of it. During the drive, it was the first time in awhile my mind hasn't been all over the place. I was just enjoying the music and the wind blowing around in the car. At the park, I wanted to run for 90 minutes. I didn't do too bad, keeping a pace in the mid 8 minute miles.
Anyway, I'm pretty tired and the alarm will be ringing soon to get up, plus I need to fold clothes!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
How to find information...
Looks like no sleep again tonight. One and a half hours of sleep for three days is wearing me down a little.
I work in the oil industry. There are many situations that arise at a plant, where the person responsible needs to be held accountable. Usually, these "fault finding" investigations are done by hearsay and talking with people one on one. Even if a manager confronts the person he or she believes is at fault, they can come up with some type of excuse as to way it wasn't their fault.
I give that very brief background to talk about another manager I had. This guy had it figured out. Everything done at a refinery is pretty much automatically logged in a computer. You can see when people make adjustments by looking at graphs and charts that automatically capture information. This manager would print out the charts, graphs and "trends." Then he would get EVERYONE that could possible be involved with the incident in the same room. And then all hell would break loose. You should see the finger pointing that goes on! But the one thing that cannot be avoided is the truth. First, you have facts in black and white that cannot lie. Second, the people in the room that had nothing to do with the incident will help figure out what happened.
This manager's way of going about these situations was a bit unorthodox. He could really piss some people off when he did this. But you know what? It got the job done.
This brings me to where my thoughts are right now. The bad thing is, I don't even know how to type my thoughts right now. I really wish I could. It's like a whirlwind of things running through my head, and I can't grab them to put them together. I could type out exactly what the situation is, but that really wouldn't help. I can somewhat understand why this person (or these people) is (are) doing what they are doing. But I would think there is a certain way to go about it, and the way they are going about it can cause unrepairable damages. However when some people get to an extremely low point in their life, they don't care about the destruction they leave behind.
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I almost had some sort of closure about what happened. I had a scenario that made the most sense to me, and one that I could almost understand. Then you hear rumors....LOTS of rumors. I've never really understood rumors. I don't know where I'm going with this now.
3:20am is going to come early. That's what time I set my alarm for to get up for work. After I got off work today, I hit the gym pretty hard to try to wear myself down so I would sleep easily tonight. I even stopped off at the restaurant across the street from my house to have a single beer to maybe put me out. I know they have "better" sleep aides, but I've always been against chemically produced pills. Melatonin is probably ok, but I've never taken it either and don't want to oversleep for work.
It's still crazy to me that you can really see yourself making progress, then over a few days you are taken back by leaps and bounds.
I work in the oil industry. There are many situations that arise at a plant, where the person responsible needs to be held accountable. Usually, these "fault finding" investigations are done by hearsay and talking with people one on one. Even if a manager confronts the person he or she believes is at fault, they can come up with some type of excuse as to way it wasn't their fault.
I give that very brief background to talk about another manager I had. This guy had it figured out. Everything done at a refinery is pretty much automatically logged in a computer. You can see when people make adjustments by looking at graphs and charts that automatically capture information. This manager would print out the charts, graphs and "trends." Then he would get EVERYONE that could possible be involved with the incident in the same room. And then all hell would break loose. You should see the finger pointing that goes on! But the one thing that cannot be avoided is the truth. First, you have facts in black and white that cannot lie. Second, the people in the room that had nothing to do with the incident will help figure out what happened.
This manager's way of going about these situations was a bit unorthodox. He could really piss some people off when he did this. But you know what? It got the job done.
This brings me to where my thoughts are right now. The bad thing is, I don't even know how to type my thoughts right now. I really wish I could. It's like a whirlwind of things running through my head, and I can't grab them to put them together. I could type out exactly what the situation is, but that really wouldn't help. I can somewhat understand why this person (or these people) is (are) doing what they are doing. But I would think there is a certain way to go about it, and the way they are going about it can cause unrepairable damages. However when some people get to an extremely low point in their life, they don't care about the destruction they leave behind.
---------------------------------------
I almost had some sort of closure about what happened. I had a scenario that made the most sense to me, and one that I could almost understand. Then you hear rumors....LOTS of rumors. I've never really understood rumors. I don't know where I'm going with this now.
3:20am is going to come early. That's what time I set my alarm for to get up for work. After I got off work today, I hit the gym pretty hard to try to wear myself down so I would sleep easily tonight. I even stopped off at the restaurant across the street from my house to have a single beer to maybe put me out. I know they have "better" sleep aides, but I've always been against chemically produced pills. Melatonin is probably ok, but I've never taken it either and don't want to oversleep for work.
It's still crazy to me that you can really see yourself making progress, then over a few days you are taken back by leaps and bounds.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Not even sure....
For the first time every, a trip to the gym didn't slow my thoughts. I hope this doesn't become a common thing.
I remember when I was little, I used to like to look at dragonflies. I thought they were the coolest thing ever! Someone then told me they were poisonous! I was a little kid....I believed this person! I was now scared to death of dragonflies! A few years later, I learned that, in fact, they were not poisonous.
Not really sure what that story means, but it kind of seemed fitting to all the thoughts that are running through my head tonight.
If they gym didn't help tonight, I'm pretty sure this post won't help tonight either.
This is probably the worst night I've had in a long time. I don't write that for pity or to get 50 emails and messages that say "I'm here for you." I do appreciate those messages, but it is not at all why I write the things I do. Tonight, I just feel like I don't know much. I hate not knowing things. arggg this isn't going to help tonight.
I remember when I was little, I used to like to look at dragonflies. I thought they were the coolest thing ever! Someone then told me they were poisonous! I was a little kid....I believed this person! I was now scared to death of dragonflies! A few years later, I learned that, in fact, they were not poisonous.
Not really sure what that story means, but it kind of seemed fitting to all the thoughts that are running through my head tonight.
If they gym didn't help tonight, I'm pretty sure this post won't help tonight either.
This is probably the worst night I've had in a long time. I don't write that for pity or to get 50 emails and messages that say "I'm here for you." I do appreciate those messages, but it is not at all why I write the things I do. Tonight, I just feel like I don't know much. I hate not knowing things. arggg this isn't going to help tonight.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Gym & The book.
Something tells me this might be another long post.
I stayed at the gym for over 3 hours today. I never stay that long. I go to the gym for two main reasons... 1) It's the only thing that turns my mind to mush. 2) I love seeing myself make improvements. The picture below is from my workout today. I just started about a month ago writing down everything I do in the gym. It helps me know that I'm going forward.
I got pretty bored doing weights today.. just wasn't feeling it. So I did a quick google search on the phone and found something called "The Spartan." It consists of running a mile, doing 100 push ups, 100 sit-ups, run a mile, 75 push ups, 75 sit-ups, run a mile, 50 push ups, 50 sit-ups. And to top it off, you are to do it all in under 33 minutes. I didn't time myself, but I'm positive I went way beyond 33 minutes! After that, I just wanted to relax and read a little more into the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. So I hopped on the stationary bike I made it through chapters 4-7 this time. When I got done, I realized I went 8.5 miles on the bike. At this point, my mind was racing with thoughts so I figured I'd run and try to empty them I ran another mile but didn't seem to help me forget my thoughts. I think it's one of the first times I have ran, and actually had vivid thoughts. Then it was to the dry sauna and the shower... and now I sit on my couch writing this blog.
90 Minutes in Heaven. Really wish I would have read this book before the end of November '11. It's about a guy who gets in a really bad (I cannot emphasize BAD enough) and is declared dead on scene. His body is mangled beyond belief and had no pulse for 90 minutes. A preacher came on the scene of the accident and wanted to know if he could help pray with anyone. The officer told him all were ok, but there was someone who died. This was a Baptist preacher and the Baptist don't believe in praying for the dead. However, this preacher managed to climb into this totally destroyed car and pray for this dead man and even began to sing to him. Out of no where, the dead man began singing back. This preacher flipped out! He jumped out of the car and tried to get the responders to check on the man! The all said the same thing, that the man had no pulse for over 90 minutes, that he is dead. Finally, the preacher said he was going to lay in the middle of the road if they wouldn't at least check on this guy! Eventually, the medics checked on the "dead" man and sure enough, he now had a pulse.
That got me thinking pretty hard about November 30th 2011. I was so weak. I sat in my driveway and just cried. Maybe if I had went in, prayed, sang, I could have helped my sweetie come back! I did nothing! I still feel like the medics did nothing! Why did they do more??? The police and medics wouldn't let me go in anyway, but I'm sure I could have got in if I needed to. I don't know what I even would have sang!
I'm not the church type by any means. I do remember back when I was about 7 or 8 we would ride with my grand-pa in his motor home. He would put Southern Baptist style gospel music in the cassette player and let it rip! I would remember him singing (even at that young age) songs such as "I'll Fly Away," "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Amazing Grace." I don't know but maybe the first line or two in each song. But what if I would have just sang those lines to her over and over? I have so much regret in my heart and it ever goes away. Before this, I have cried maybe a half dozen times in my life....and even two of them may have been "fake" cries. But now (and even as I write this) it happens all too often. That reminds me.. tears taste like salt water.
Argg.. Ok, on to something else. In my heart, I now consider myself a Christian. I don't advertise that. I do things that are not Christian like quite a bit, and don't want people to think this is the way a Christian should act. I have some addictions, and not typical addictions....addictions that no one really knows about. Some of them I kicked when I had my sweetie. She filled so many voids in my life.
I just have so many thoughts running through my head right now. I'm glad I started writing this blog. It really does help me release some of my thoughts. It started out as a private blog, but I made it public sometime in December of '11. I'm not sure exactly why I did that, but I felt some people may experience some of the same things that I have and wonder how others have handled it. I'm not saying what I'm doing with my life is right or wrong, but just the un-cut story of how one person has handled it. I never thought I would get some of the emails and Facebook messages that I do about my blog. Some of the people I have never met, others I haven't seen in many years.
Ok. My mind has slowed down to a manageable level, probably time to get a little sleep. Working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, plus gym time is taking its toll on me.
I stayed at the gym for over 3 hours today. I never stay that long. I go to the gym for two main reasons... 1) It's the only thing that turns my mind to mush. 2) I love seeing myself make improvements. The picture below is from my workout today. I just started about a month ago writing down everything I do in the gym. It helps me know that I'm going forward.
I got pretty bored doing weights today.. just wasn't feeling it. So I did a quick google search on the phone and found something called "The Spartan." It consists of running a mile, doing 100 push ups, 100 sit-ups, run a mile, 75 push ups, 75 sit-ups, run a mile, 50 push ups, 50 sit-ups. And to top it off, you are to do it all in under 33 minutes. I didn't time myself, but I'm positive I went way beyond 33 minutes! After that, I just wanted to relax and read a little more into the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. So I hopped on the stationary bike I made it through chapters 4-7 this time. When I got done, I realized I went 8.5 miles on the bike. At this point, my mind was racing with thoughts so I figured I'd run and try to empty them I ran another mile but didn't seem to help me forget my thoughts. I think it's one of the first times I have ran, and actually had vivid thoughts. Then it was to the dry sauna and the shower... and now I sit on my couch writing this blog.
90 Minutes in Heaven. Really wish I would have read this book before the end of November '11. It's about a guy who gets in a really bad (I cannot emphasize BAD enough) and is declared dead on scene. His body is mangled beyond belief and had no pulse for 90 minutes. A preacher came on the scene of the accident and wanted to know if he could help pray with anyone. The officer told him all were ok, but there was someone who died. This was a Baptist preacher and the Baptist don't believe in praying for the dead. However, this preacher managed to climb into this totally destroyed car and pray for this dead man and even began to sing to him. Out of no where, the dead man began singing back. This preacher flipped out! He jumped out of the car and tried to get the responders to check on the man! The all said the same thing, that the man had no pulse for over 90 minutes, that he is dead. Finally, the preacher said he was going to lay in the middle of the road if they wouldn't at least check on this guy! Eventually, the medics checked on the "dead" man and sure enough, he now had a pulse.
That got me thinking pretty hard about November 30th 2011. I was so weak. I sat in my driveway and just cried. Maybe if I had went in, prayed, sang, I could have helped my sweetie come back! I did nothing! I still feel like the medics did nothing! Why did they do more??? The police and medics wouldn't let me go in anyway, but I'm sure I could have got in if I needed to. I don't know what I even would have sang!
I'm not the church type by any means. I do remember back when I was about 7 or 8 we would ride with my grand-pa in his motor home. He would put Southern Baptist style gospel music in the cassette player and let it rip! I would remember him singing (even at that young age) songs such as "I'll Fly Away," "The Old Rugged Cross" and "Amazing Grace." I don't know but maybe the first line or two in each song. But what if I would have just sang those lines to her over and over? I have so much regret in my heart and it ever goes away. Before this, I have cried maybe a half dozen times in my life....and even two of them may have been "fake" cries. But now (and even as I write this) it happens all too often. That reminds me.. tears taste like salt water.
Argg.. Ok, on to something else. In my heart, I now consider myself a Christian. I don't advertise that. I do things that are not Christian like quite a bit, and don't want people to think this is the way a Christian should act. I have some addictions, and not typical addictions....addictions that no one really knows about. Some of them I kicked when I had my sweetie. She filled so many voids in my life.
I just have so many thoughts running through my head right now. I'm glad I started writing this blog. It really does help me release some of my thoughts. It started out as a private blog, but I made it public sometime in December of '11. I'm not sure exactly why I did that, but I felt some people may experience some of the same things that I have and wonder how others have handled it. I'm not saying what I'm doing with my life is right or wrong, but just the un-cut story of how one person has handled it. I never thought I would get some of the emails and Facebook messages that I do about my blog. Some of the people I have never met, others I haven't seen in many years.
Ok. My mind has slowed down to a manageable level, probably time to get a little sleep. Working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, plus gym time is taking its toll on me.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I have to switch it up.
Well, this post is coming from somewhere I never thought I'd be again...my home in Beaumont. There isn't much that seems to be helping my mind. I can't help but think being in an environment that wasn't mine was helping. I've been coming to my house in Beaumont several times, doing maintenance getting it ready to sell. I've done really well coming by and staying for hours at a time. I know many people will not be able to understand me coming back to the house, but I just don't know what else to do. I think that using my own washer and dryer, using my own kitchen and grilling on the back porch may be what I need. If it isn't, I can always go back to where I was staying. Hopefully, I'll have everything ready and can get it up for sale in a couple of weeks and get it sold. I'm going to ask quite a bit below appraisal, so I'm hoping it will move pretty quick.
I also start a new position at work Monday. It's just temporary for about 3 or 4 months. It'll have me behind a desk and that puts me way out of my comfort zone, but it pays pretty well and will help put me in another house. My current job has me outside about 60% of the time and I like being outside. I'm pretty sure the desk I will be sitting at in the new position will not even have a window. I still feel pretty fortunate that I was selected for the position. I put in for it awhile back to use the extra money for a wedding and a down payment on a home. I would have stepped outside my comfort zone for that girl anytime.
Something else that bothers me is when I see couples arguing. You never know what will happen. People say "don't sweat the small stuff" all the time and probably overplay it. But I do wish people would relax and truly enjoy who they are with.... whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend or a marriage. I'm living proof you never know what will happen. I would do anything just to say "I love you" one more time. Every time she left the house, I would make sure I caught her to let her know I loved her....and it still wasn't enough for me. I probably wear my heart on my sleeve too much, but that's me. Don't think I can change that either.
I tried dating a little bit too over the past week. Don't think that's going to work right now either. I'm not ready for a relationship by any means, but hanging out with the guys all the time isn't exactly what I need either. Sometimes it's just nice to have a conversation with a woman. At least with the new job, I won't even have time to date or even time to think about it.
Seems like there is much more I planned on writing tonight, but my head is a little clearer right now. Probably best to lay down on the couch and get some sleep.
I also start a new position at work Monday. It's just temporary for about 3 or 4 months. It'll have me behind a desk and that puts me way out of my comfort zone, but it pays pretty well and will help put me in another house. My current job has me outside about 60% of the time and I like being outside. I'm pretty sure the desk I will be sitting at in the new position will not even have a window. I still feel pretty fortunate that I was selected for the position. I put in for it awhile back to use the extra money for a wedding and a down payment on a home. I would have stepped outside my comfort zone for that girl anytime.
Something else that bothers me is when I see couples arguing. You never know what will happen. People say "don't sweat the small stuff" all the time and probably overplay it. But I do wish people would relax and truly enjoy who they are with.... whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend or a marriage. I'm living proof you never know what will happen. I would do anything just to say "I love you" one more time. Every time she left the house, I would make sure I caught her to let her know I loved her....and it still wasn't enough for me. I probably wear my heart on my sleeve too much, but that's me. Don't think I can change that either.
I tried dating a little bit too over the past week. Don't think that's going to work right now either. I'm not ready for a relationship by any means, but hanging out with the guys all the time isn't exactly what I need either. Sometimes it's just nice to have a conversation with a woman. At least with the new job, I won't even have time to date or even time to think about it.
Seems like there is much more I planned on writing tonight, but my head is a little clearer right now. Probably best to lay down on the couch and get some sleep.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
650,000 Hours.
It has been a couple of weeks since I last posted anything, because mainly, as always, I still have the same feelings and thoughts. I still miss someone terribly and, at time, everything still seems like a dream. I can't figure out how someone gets closure in a situation that I'm going through...a situation in that nothing makes since! I'm trying to throw a few new things into my daily routine to see if that helps. I've stepped out a little further in the past few days and it seems to help. I've also slowly going back to my house and staying a little longer each time. That has pushed me to the point where I am ok with the house. I really miss having my own things and everything being in its place. I stopped by the house a few hours before work yesterday just to cook on my grill. That felt really nice. There had been so many great memories in that house and those are the only ones I can see most of the time. I'm thinking I might move back in it in a week or so, but it will still go up for sale within a couple of weeks. I need to finish my back porch and finish a few small items I never completed when I built it. I think living it in it will help me get it finished as well. I had to move around quite a bit of stuff to get my king bed to fit in my guest bedroom....just don't think I will ever be able to go into one room. But really, I will probably sleep on my couch anyway. I love my couch and in the past, probably have slept more on that than my bed anyway!
Ok deep breath. Glad I wrote that out, maybe my head can settle a little now.
Anyway, 650,000 hours...the title of this post. A friend told me that is how many hours the average person lives. That's about 75 years, but put into hours, that doesn't seem like a lot of time! So THAT got me thinking... where am I at now?? 280,728. Didn't realize my odometer was that high! One of my biggest fears in life not making the most of it. Maybe looking at it through the hour meter, instead of the yearly meter will force me to make the most out of every hour! Don't know why that stuck in my head, but I'm glad this person shared it.
Alright, time for me to get up and head to work. I'm a union worker and our three year contract just expired, which meant we could have went on strike Feb1st. I just learned today that the union and the company have a tentative deal, so it looks like we will not go on strike. The deal that was reached isn't the best, since the raise will not keep up with inflation. The union members still have to vote on it before it is a done deal. I will vote NO, but it will probably not mean anything. Too many members don't save enough to afford a strike. I feel if we want good paying oil/gas jobs for our kids and grand kids, then you need to stand up for whats right. Sometimes the general public doesn't understand this.....oh wow, I could go on about trickle down economics but I really need to get off this couch!
Ok deep breath. Glad I wrote that out, maybe my head can settle a little now.
Anyway, 650,000 hours...the title of this post. A friend told me that is how many hours the average person lives. That's about 75 years, but put into hours, that doesn't seem like a lot of time! So THAT got me thinking... where am I at now?? 280,728. Didn't realize my odometer was that high! One of my biggest fears in life not making the most of it. Maybe looking at it through the hour meter, instead of the yearly meter will force me to make the most out of every hour! Don't know why that stuck in my head, but I'm glad this person shared it.
Alright, time for me to get up and head to work. I'm a union worker and our three year contract just expired, which meant we could have went on strike Feb1st. I just learned today that the union and the company have a tentative deal, so it looks like we will not go on strike. The deal that was reached isn't the best, since the raise will not keep up with inflation. The union members still have to vote on it before it is a done deal. I will vote NO, but it will probably not mean anything. Too many members don't save enough to afford a strike. I feel if we want good paying oil/gas jobs for our kids and grand kids, then you need to stand up for whats right. Sometimes the general public doesn't understand this.....oh wow, I could go on about trickle down economics but I really need to get off this couch!